Think of what you’re really saying when you say, “I hate you!” It usually means a lot of other things. If you tell your parents that you hate them it can actually mean: “I’m angry and frustrated with you and I don’t know how to tell you that!” “You hurt me, and you didn’t seem to care that you did!” “I am feeling frightened and worried about something, and you don’t seem to want to understand that that the way I want you understand.” “I want to do something and you’re not letting me do it and I think I’m supposed to have everything I want!” “I’m feeling tired and scared about something but I have no idea how to tell you that without feeling like a big, stupid idiot.” You see? Underneath the hate is fear, frustration or hurt.
When you tell a stranger that you hate them, it can mean even more things: “You’re different than I am, and that’s scary because I don’t know how to act with you and I don’t know how you will act with me. But I don’t want to show you that I’m afraid, because that could mean that you could really hurt me!” “I hate you because you remind me of something I did wrong that I’ve shoved so far down inside myself that I don’t even remember what it is.” “I hate you because everyone around me tells me that I do.” “I hate you because I’m afraid that you really are better than I am and I can’t look at the chance that I am incompetent. I am afraid to look inside myself and see where I’m not good enough, so I hate you instead.” “I hate you because you’re like me, but not enough like me and I don’t know why that makes me feel uncomfortable.”
Frustration, fear and hurt. Look inside the hate for the real reasons!