Monthly Archives: December 2018

Four Easy Things

There are four easy things to check with yourself when you feel like being mean to other people or yourself: it’s called HALT: When you start complaining, making other people feel bad and wrong, making you feel bad or wrong, you think “Halt” Am I Hungry? Am I Angry? Am I feeling Lonely? Am I feeling Tired?” This is something I learned recently and it is not original with me: it is from Bradford Health Services, who help a lot of people with very difficult things. 

If you’re Hungry, your mind does not think very well, and it doesn’t have the strength to remember things like: “I shouldn’t do to someone else what I don’t like done to me” or, “Hurting other people won’t really make me feel better” or, “IF I am feeling bad and wrong, making others bad and wrong will just make everyone bad and wrong and I won’t be able to get any help.” 

If you’re Angry, you very likely know that this doesn’t work very well: you break things,or hurt people, or just mess something up that you’ll have to fix later. Find out why you”re angry: it’s usually for a very good reason, but it can’t be fixed when you’re screaming at everything and everyone.

If you’re feeling Lonely that can really make you shut down: you can actually pull away from other people! Sometimes the lonely feeling isn’t simple: everyone in your family likes football and loud music, and you like reading and watching tennis, perhaps: you can feel like a stranger in your own home sometimes. But when you know you are lonely, you can look for someone to talk with to find out why and change it.

When you are Tired, of course you’re going to get angry too easily. You can feel like giving up because you’re sure you’re all alone, but it’s just because you’re tired.

When you are Hungry eat some good food. When you are Angry, do your best to find out why and how to change it. If you are feeling Lonely, ask yourself why and where you can find people who are like you. When you are Tired, know that you are and get some rest as soon as possible.

Leaving Bullying Behind

When you are feeling good about things: your life, something wonderful that happened to you or wonderful that you did or something wonderful that someone else did for you, then it’s so easy to want to spread those good feelings around everywhere. You may have seen movies where the person that has just fallen in love smiles at everyone, thinks everything around him or her is totally marvelous and so on… even though this person is walking down the same street he or she has walked down a thousand times.

Nothing outside of you has changed: you have changed! When you feel loved and happy it’s so very easy to want others to feel loved and happy too. This is perfectly natural. However, there is a little magic to it: sometimes you can feel wonderful and good because of the good things that have happened, sure; however, the real magic is when you can choose to feel good and happy.

That seems silly maybe but it really isn’t. The same way that the person in love can go down the same street and see it differently is the same way that you can see things the way they have always been differently. You start by appreciating yourself, every day, and being thankful for something, every day. If you aced a test, appreciate that! If someone helped you out, be grateful for that! When you do this long enough you will start loving and appreciating yourself almost all the time and you’ll be thankful for nearly everything.

Why does this work? What’s the magic? What you pay the most attention too is the thing that matters most in your life and looks the biggest. When you look for things to be angry or annoyed about you will find them. When you look for things to be happy and satisfied about you will find them.

Bullying yourself; Bullying others

You know that when you don’t feel well, as when you’re sick with a cold, you often act angry, sad or just pull away from everyone else. In other words you can hurt other peoples’ feelings just because you hurt: pain takes so much energy away from you that you don’t feel like being nice to anyone else. 

The same thing actually happens inside of you too: when you have pain inside you can’t really be friendly with yourself: you can’t be nice or kind or be patient with yourself. Especially when you hurt because you don’t feel loved or understood, you don’t feel accepted or supported by those around you, when you have been bullied or even have been harmed, it’s so very hard to be gentle with yourself! It’s like the hurt makes everything tangled up, like a snarl of Christmas lights that seem totally impossible to make smooth or straight again, or like a tangle of briars that make it impossible to move forward.

So if you understand this about yourself, that when you’re all snarled up inside of yourself with feeling hurt or lost, afraid or alone, maybe even stupid and like you can’t do anything right for anyone, then the pain is going to leak out to others as well as stay inside of  you.

What do you do to stop bullying yourself? Start looking for something, anything, that you have done well, that you have done correctly or in some way that satisfied you. When you think of it, say to yourself: “I can do that one thing right, so I’m not all bad.” But then the most important thing to add is, “If I can do something right and feel good about it then others can do things right and I can feel good about that too. That’s the magic:  you need to remember that you appreciate yourself then that stays with you. Appreciating others never takes your good feelings away.

 

Do you bully yourself?

Looking at this is in some ways the most important thing: you need to watch out that you don’t bully yourself! You know when you do: when you call yourself a stupid jerk for forgetting that the homework was due Tuesday as in today and not next Tuesday as you thought. When you are so angry with yourself that you hit yourself, either with words or your own fists? When you convince yourself that you don’t deserve any good thing, not really, because of course you’re a fake and a failure. You’re not good enough for anything good, so you keep yourself from being happy.

That is a very mean form of bullying indeed. If you are angry at yourself; if you hate yourself or are impatient with yourself all the time; when you call yourself bad names, especially names that you would never use on anyone else, you are being a bully. Do you deny yourself fun when everyone else is having fun? Then you’re likely being a bully to yourself. Do you do so many things for other people that you never have time to do anything for yourself? Then you’re bullying yourself and making yourself worth less than others. Do you have too much fun to the point that you don’t do your homework and so don’t learn anything? Then you’re being a bully again. 

A very good way to not be a bully to yourself is: spend some time watching other people and pay attention to what works for them. Why are the ones who do well on tests, with friends, in life, able to do so well? Do the ones that do well on the tests do so because they study? Probably. Then you need to look at how they find or make the time to study, make good friends and keep them or enjoy life. You can learn so much! And it will all be for you: you will learn how to make your life sweet and good if you stop beating on yourself and just learn from the best people you know.